


take me to the astral plane

by suitablyskippy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Pre-Sburb/Sgrub, generally mentions of terrible things, mentions of bon jovi, mentions of furries, mentions of gore, mentions of inflation, mentions of mpreg, mentions of satanism, mentions of scat, mentions of succubus sex, pesterfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-17
Updated: 2012-08-27
Packaged: 2017-11-12 07:38:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/488366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suitablyskippy/pseuds/suitablyskippy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>EB: this is a super serious investigation into your magical aptitude and you need to treat it with respect, ok.<br/>EB: no lame jokes allowed.<br/>EB: we are entering the twilight zone.<br/>EB: you can hold my hand if you’re afraid. </p>
<p>for the prompt 'john finds a series of shitty hippy mystic websites while looking for magic tricks, and uses dave as his guinea pig'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. batboy.jpg

**Author's Note:**

> going against every daverezi instinct i have to write birthday fic for my buddy and friendleader [amy](http://www.shaquille0neal.tumblr.com)

\-- ectoBiologist  [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG] at 02:14 --

EB: hey, dave.  
EB: dave.  
EB: get your butt online.  
EB: i need to ask you something.  
EB: something important.  
EB: …  
EB: oh my god, dave, you’re obviously there, you’re always online.  
EB: i know you have no life, dude, it’s not like i think of you as this totally rad party monster who’s never online at two in the morning because he is so covered in ladies he can’t reach his pocket for his iphone.  
EB: dave.  
EB: daaaaaaaave.  
EB: i am going to send you one picture of bon jovi for every minute you spend not answering.  
EB: this is your final warning.  
EB: ok that is it, sit your sweet ass down and get ready for more teasingly tousled blond locks than you will even know how to handle. 

ectoBiologist  [EB]  sent turntechGodhead  [TG] file [“bonbon.jpg”](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljjpniysRL1qhqkt1o1_500.jpg)

EB: this is a good example of bon jovi’s cleanly chiseled profile.  
EB: just look at how proudly that chin juts.  
EB: it is borderline impudent!  
EB: (the file is titled ‘bonbon’ because not only is it a play on his name, it also suggests he is a sweetie. and once a man has enriched as many people’s lives across the globe as bon jovi has done with the rousingly inspirational ‘living on a prayer’, it is close to impossible for him not to be a sweetie.) 

ectoBiologist  [EB] sent turntechGodhead  [TG] file [“daveisthisyou.jpg”](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BOTYH022pd0/T2OAuQX96fI/AAAAAAAABBI/4cjsGUIr9gE/s1600/jon-bon-jovi.jpg)

EB: sometimes i look at this one and think about how it is what you are gonna look like when you’re an adult.  
EB: just remember, it is never too late to stop wearing shades indoors!  
EB: we are all here for you if you need to quit. 

ectoBiologist  [EB] sent turntechGodhead  [TG]  file [“layyourhandsonme.jpg”](http://images.45cat.com/bon-jovi-lay-your-hands-on-me-1989-16.jpg)

EB: you can really feel the sheer, unbridled joy of performance in this one!  
EB: man, just looking at it makes me want to join a band.  
EB: do you think i’m more lead guitar or bass material?  
EB: my rough hewn good looks were definitely never meant to be hidden behind a drumkit, i can tell you that. 

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG]  is online! --

TG: layyourhandsonme.jpg

EB: bon jovi’s classic 1989 single.  
EB: duhhh. 

TG: aint convincing no one bro  
TG: that set of messages makes you look like the kind of guy whod stay up fourteen hours on ebay desperately bidding for a lock of my hair in a vacuum packed bag  
TG: without even checking first to make sure its actually my hair  
TG: and not just ball fluff shaved off a butter blonde labrador  
TG: you got to understand a guy can get anxious when his bro dont care if hes a dog or not

ectoBiologist [EB]  sent turntechGodhead  [TG] file “turntechGodhead-log487.htm” 

ectoBiologist  [EB]  sent turntechGodhead  [TG]  file “turntechGodhead-log532.htm” 

ectoBiologist  [EB]  sent turntechGodhead  [TG] file “turntechGodhead-log533.htm” 

ectoBiologist  [EB]  sent turntechGodhead  [TG]  file “turntechGodhead-log541.htm” 

TG: what

EB: sorry, i thought we were talking about people who spend hours creepily messaging their offline friends.  
EB: my bad! 

TG: look this isnt addressing the important part of your unsurprising though still frankly unsettling dependency problems  
TG: did you call my ass sweet

EB: it was ironic. 

TG: its not ironic if you mean it

EB: uh no, dirk says it’s only ironic if you mean it! 

TG: so you meant it huh

EB: oh yeah, totally.  
EB: sometimes i lie awake at night gazing up at the ceiling and just imagine what it would be like to have your ass for my own! 

TG: if you notice typos suddenly rearing their sweet little heads up across the vast dusty plains of my text  
TG: like feisty typological meerkats  
TG: its cos i just started typing one handed

EB: but then i think how i’d probably be kind of embarrassed having to buy women’s jeans all of a sudden.  
EB: you know?  
EB: to fit all that rump.  
EB: which you obviously have.  
EB: and i’m just like,  
EB: nah. 

TG: ive been looking to ease my personal cash flow lately  
TG: what would you be willing to fork out for hi def bathroom selfies of my tightly clenched and quivering buttocks

EB: uh, more like what wouldn’t i fork out.  
EB: i am sure i can save up another college fund by the time college gets around! 

TG: k ill need to work out the best camera angle that could take a few mins  
TG: long enough for you to get your paypal up at least  
TG: how about it man  
TG: youll get a few hot home turf games of five on one  
TG: and i can finally start saving for a mac that isnt an actual literal piece of shit

EB: do not even start, i have seen your mac and it is eight hundred dollars of pure streamlined technology.  
EB: civilization spent two thousand years evolving just to get to the point where it was advanced enough to build that mac. 

TG: did you even listen i just said its an actual literal piece of shit  
TG: my bro dropped a deuce in a tupperware  
TG: jammed it in the fridge till it was solid  
TG: shaped it painted it gave me it for my bday  
TG: and now my fingers reek a little riper every time i get done typing

EB: i bet they do.  
EB: (hehehehe) 

TG: hes cracked out the bracketed giggles doctor  
TG: how long would you say he has left before life as he knows it peels down to four white walls a tight white coat and porridge spoonfed on the regular through a slot in a stout steel door 

EB: ok i can tell when you’re about to start rambling so i’m going to have to stop you there, dave.  
EB: you still have not answered my important question. 

TG: and you still havent transferred fifty bucks into my account for the buttshots im poised right now on the precarious brink of taking  
TG: im typing this bent over and buck naked john the least you could do is honor our agreement and cough up the cash like a gentleman  
TG: your dad would do it  
TG: hes a better man than you

EB: oh my god.  
EB: sssh.  
EB: also tell me,  
EB: how far would you be willing to go to make the occult a way of life? 

TG: is this a multichoice kind of thing  
TG: a is not too far maybe slit my wrists over a pentagram drawn in menstrual blood  
TG: b is yeah i guess im down with human sacrifice so long as i get video evidence beforehand of the victim popping puppies in a sack and torching it  
TG: c is all the way i will consummate my relationship with the occult in every room of its house without shame or the inhibition of the divine  
TG: my soul is satans as shall be my maidenhood  
TG: i am his as he is mine  
TG: amen

EB: yes, that is exactly what this is. 

TG: cool  
TG: im picking b then cos a sounds way too much like rose has already done it and i dont really wanna bang satan

EB: not! hahaha.  
EB: this is a super serious investigation into your magical aptitude and you need to treat it with respect, ok.  
EB: no lame jokes allowed.  
EB: we are entering the twilight zone.  
EB: you can hold my hand if you’re afraid. 

ectoBiologist [EB] sent turntechGodhead  [TG] file [“batboy.jpg”](http://www.spellsandmagic.com/puzuzu-batboy.jpg)

TG: are you trying to tell me something  
TG: is it that youre into lithe little boys with prehensile tails and a taste for the sadistic  
TG: i can work with this  
TG: *lashes out with full strong length of supple and powerful tail across tender planes of egberts greased up naked back*

EB: gross.  
EB: it is not. 

TG: im just sayin if you ever wanna be honest with yourself about certain urges society might consider outside the boundaries of the sexual mainstream  
TG: then im here for you  
TG: if you hurl yourself in blueballed desperation from the burning roof of the highrise apartments i will be using here to represent vanilla porn  
TG: het couples with a dude on top giving head chastely in the dark  
TG: then i will be your kinky safety blanket  
TG: waiting stretched and taut at the bottom to save you  
TG: with a premium account on scatdiscussion.com

EB: shut up, dickweed.  
EB: i am on this awesome site all about how to do magic.  
EB: it says i should practice everything on myself…  
EB: but some of it sounds pretty crazy, so i’m gonna test it on you first.

TG: do i get a say in this

EB: no.  
EB: dave, i’m going to take you to the astral plane. get ready. 


	2. sweeping arcs of sticky euphoria

EB: shut your eyes.  
EB: are they shut tight? 

TG: tighter than emo jeans

EB: got you!  
EB: if your eyes were shut you would not have been able to read that question.  
EB: don’t fucking lie to me, dave, i’m a trained occultist. 

TG: you read a website on it

EB: ... yes.  
EB: it was a very comprehensive website, though. 

TG: was your next step gonna be to try to get me to imagine all the tension leaving my body  
TG: a gaseous cloud of negative emotions like a depressive texan chernobyl rising from my limp and helpless form  
TG: sprawled in utter relaxation across my computer chair  
TG: relax my muscles from top to toe  
TG: lie back  
TG: and wait for you to tell my now weak and pliant subconscious that i should go get naked in times square while squirting whipped cream canisters in sweeping arcs of sticky euphoria writ vast and triumphant across the citys sky  
TG: like the shittiest erotic mime that ever went broke on a parisian boulevard

EB: how the fuck did you know?? 

TG: hahaha was it actually  
TG: jesus christ  
TG: maybe you should consider investing in chemical castration  
TG: any kids you have are only gonna be picked off by natural selection before they hit five anyway

EB: wow, whatever! 

-

\-- ectoBiologist  [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 02:36 --

ectoBiologist  [EB] sent tentacleTherapist  [TT] file “turntechGodhead-log545.htm” 

TT: Goodness.  
TT: Thank you, John. This will be a valuable addition to the collection. 

EB: you’re welcome.  
EB: let him have it, rose! 

-

\-- tentacleTherapist  [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG] at 02:40 --

tentacleTherapist  [TT] sent turntechGodhead  [TG] file “turntechGodhead-log545.htm” 

TT: Hello, Dave.  
TT: ‘i just started typing one handed’  
TT: ‘my tightly clenched and quivering buttocks’  
TT: ‘im typing this bent over and buck naked’  
TT: ‘egberts greased up naked back’  
TT: ‘i will be your kinky safety blanket’  
TT: ‘my limp and helpless form’  
TT: ‘wait for you to tell my now weak and pliant subconscious that i should go get naked in times square’  
TT: ‘sweeping arcs of sticky euphoria’  
TT: Anything you’d like to say? 

-

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist  [EB] at 02:43 --

TG: i hope you die a death so tortured and grotesque that the photos end up on a viral shock site  
TG: and liberal news outlets print horrified editorials about the increasing callousness of the nations youth when confronted with a literally visceral image of mans inhumanity to man  
TG: the twist is no one even reads your page because its so fucked up it makes them want to puke out their guts in a manner eerily reminiscent of the way you kicked it in the middle of a double ended intestinal evacuation  
TG: the horror of your death will ironically ensure both the longevity of your memory and the publics inability to bear it  
TG: and your suffering will be cast from the collective consciousness like a leprous sailor from the decks of an eighteenth century trading vessel

EB: tl;dr

TG: you know what youve done to me  
TG: die in a hole 

turntechGodhead  [TG] blocked ectoBiologist  [EB] 

-

TT: From the timestamps on the logs John sent, I feel quite certain you are still online.  
TT: Your silence, however, leads me to form the tentative hypothesis that you may, even as I type this, be castigating him for a perceivedly egregious violation of the ‘Bro Code’.  
TT: Am I right?  
TT: ...  
TT: Your silence is more lucid than you have ever been.  
TT: But really, Strider, my only motivation here is to reassure you.  
TT: We all have feelings sometimes that we find ourselves unwilling or unable to express; please, do not assume this is something I cannot understand.  
TT: And I know it can be hard, trying to suppress them.  
TT: It can be very hard.  
TT: Sometimes you try to cast the net of your ideas wide enough to snare others – anything but that one relentless, squirming moray of a thought – but all you reel in is what you’re trying to avoid. You are fixed on this one sensation.  
TT: A sensation that is almost a craving.  
TT: Almost a need.  
TT: And the pressure from it builds up, and your feelings are a persistent, insistent pulse at the very root of your being you just can’t ignore. And it’s hard.  
TT: Oh, it’s so hard

TG: what the fuck

TT: To ignore it. Ah, hello.  
TT: ...

TG: ...

TT: ...

TG: dont wait on me i aint got shit to contribute except an intricately recursive network of wtf to infinity

TT: Well, in that case, I hope you won’t mind if I continue.  
TT: Not that it would make the slightest difference if you did.  
TT: Where was I? 

TG: jacked waistdeep up the ass end of your own alimentary canal last time i checked

TT: Naturally. Outside the context of a trusting, longterm relationship, I doubt I would venture that far up anyone’s ass but my own. 

TG: oh my fucking christ

TT: It is so hard, so very hard to keep it down, and Dave, it’s understandable that sometimes you lose control – your sweaty, already tenuous grasp on the upright joystick of your feelings slipping just that little harder, just that little faster down the shaft.  
TT: And if you happen to lose it – if you burst one day, frantic with the unbearable pressure generated from the friction of thought against forbidden thought, sweeping arcs of sticky emotion writ vast and triumphant against the Kleenex of your heart – then just know this:  
TT: Being gay is a-OK.  
TT: (The Kleenex of your heart is in this instance a multifunctional metaphor, serving as it does to describe both the rhetorical instrument required to sop up the excess juice of your emotional spunk,  
TT: As well as an actual Kleenex for your actual spunk.  
TT: Don’t even try to tell me you weren’t jacking off at some point during that conversation.) 

TG: pot  
TG: kettle  
TG: pitch fuckin onyx

turntechGodhead  [TG] blocked tentacleTherapist  [TT] 

-

turntechGodhead  [TG] unblocked ectoBiologist  [EB] 

TG: hypnotise me mindwipe me force me to my knees to do your bidding i dont give a shit  
TG: ive tried having control of my consciousness and ive concluded it sucks dick harder than i do in lalondes five fingered fantasies  
TG: just do your thing john  
TG: i wanna be nonsentient as possible  
TG: were talking terri schiavo here theres shit i need to forget

EB: hehehehe  
EB: did you enjoy your chat with rose? 

TG: my mind is malleable ok just fucking blitz it

EB: i think i am going to send her what you just said about forcing you to your knees. 

TG: john  
TG: i am begging you

EB: oh yeah, that’s another good one!  
EB: do you know, rose has actually got a whole gdoc which is just really gay things you’ve said?  
EB: sometimes she sends me and jade the link and we all reminisce our favorite bits together.  
EB: there have been some real gems over the years, dave. 

TG: wow lets bring this convo to a screeching halt  
TG: appreciate the toothsome scent of scorched-up text  
TG: and tell me why the fuck im top billing in these steamy boylove sessions when youve got homo seeping visibly from every single pore  
TG: you called my ass sweet not half an hour ago

EB: ok, but that was a joke.  
EB: which should have been obvious, as you do not even have an ass. 

TG: so youve been looking

EB: rude, dave.  
EB: you didn’t even let me finish.  
EB: ...

TG: what

EB: wow ok, i was actually just waiting for you to make that gross as well.  
EB: congratulations i guess, you are finally on track to becoming a decent human being!  
EB: but what i was going to say was yes.  
EB: yes, in a moment of lighthearted humor, i called your ass sweet.  
EB: and then you spent five minutes describing a weirdly detailed fantasy about me making you jizz gallons in public, so therefore:  
EB: my side: 0  
EB: the other team: 1

TG: and bam im suddenly so not interested again  
TG: what time is it oh look its demon time  
TG: werent you fixing to rewrite my consciousness with matt mcconoonaugaheys maybe you should get back to that

EB: i am saying that the other team has won because you have started playing for them. 

TG: look if youd just seen rose do what i just saw rose do youd welcome satans blazing touch like a pregnancy after heartbreaking decades of assumed infertility

EB: even though in reality any team you joined would just instantly lose. 

TG: egbert

EB: because you are lame. 

TG: john look please ive learned my lesson

EB: so totally lame. 

TG: ive taken it to heart ill write lines ill stay after class whatever the fuck you want  
TG: dont talk to lalonde  
TG: she is destroying me  
TG: the fragile beauty of my self esteem lies shattered around me in brittle sharp-edged pieces  
TG: perfect for scoring out just enough blood from my wrists to use as ink the color of both my text and my heart  
TG: ill dilute it with my own tears so it lasts longer  
TG: border the pages of my schoolbooks with mcr lyrics that speak to my pain  
TG: im sorry i told you to chop off your balls ok i was just horrified by the reaffirmation of your endlessly disturbing adherence to every shitty trope michael bay ever squirted diarrhetically from his ass  
TG: im sorry now stop talking about this  
TG: please

EB: hahahahahahaha  
EB: gotcha!  
EB: like i give a shit what you think about my balls.  
EB: let’s make a scrying mirror first, i want to sleuthily soothsay our way to the future.  
EB: i bet they have hoverboards by 2015.  
EB: man, i’ll be in college by then. what if we can just hover to class? what if when we’re late we can just jump out the window onto our hoverboards to get there?  
EB: god.  
EB: that would be so sweet. 

 

turntechGodhead  [TG] unblocked tentacleTherapist  [TT] 

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist  [TT] at 03:21 --

TG: ‘i give a shit what you think about my balls’  
TG: direct quote  
TG: stick that in your fucking gdoc and smoke it

turntechGodhead  [TG] blocked tentacleTherapist  [TT] 


	3. have you ever even seen a goat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (there are some rather nsfw links in this chapter. i promise they are hilaribad and not actual grossout shit, but please do not open them if your screen is within viewing distance of anyone whose opinion of you you have ever cared about!)

EB: first of all you are going to need some equipment, dave.  
EB: no practitioner of the occult arts should be without his scrying bowl.  
EB: it allows feedback from your deepening trance state to resonate favorably round the specially designed central chamber when it is filled with water, thereby increasing the likelihood of astral projection and communication with spirits from another plane. 

TG: does it say that on wikipedia

EB: it does.  
EB: do you have a scrying bowl? 

TG: no

EB: gosh, what a great start! 

TG: do me a favor  
TG: peel your overeager tongue from the window at the back of the bus for one brief second and question why the fuck i would have a scrying bowl

EB: all i am saying is the spirits are way more likely to tell us cool stuff if we give them a fancy venue to do it in.  
EB: if you were a ghostly presence wandering the earth in search of answers, would you want to talk to some dumb kid if all he offered you was a washing up bowl full of tap water to do it in?  
EB: no! no you would not. 

TG: what the hell is a washing up bowl

EB: oh my god.  
EB: i am calling cps, no child should have to live in a home where they do not even know how to wash their dirty plates efficiently.  
EB: that is the grossest thing you have ever said. 

TG: way to impugn my fucking internet honor you sweatclogged crease down the darkly abyssal asscrack of an overexerted builder  
TG: that was not the grossest thing i have ever said and you know it

EB: sorry dave, not washing up properly is grosser than any of your totally gay imagery. 

TG: i am a connoisseur of computing cacotopia  
TG: and i will have that position respected

turntechGodhead  [TG]  sent ectoBiologist  [EB] file [“cutebunny.jpg”](http://i2.pixiv.net/img48/img/rinka115/13661068_m.jpg)

EB: wow yeah, i am so intimidated by your mildly creepy zelda fetish porn!  
EB: i have seen way worse stuff than that.  
EB: in fact i saw way worse stuff than that in the log of your last chat with rose. 

TG: im p glad you said that  
TG: because it reminds me  
TG: youve got five minutes till the virus runs and then that pics gonna be flashing an infinite spiral round the desktop background of every bluetooth compatible electrical accessory in your house  
TG: thats including your dads phone ofc  
TG: and your dads computer

EB: what the hell?? 

TG: revenge is a dish best served by an anthropomorphic horse butler gorged on pikachus love juice

turntechGodhead  [TG]  sent ectoBiologist  [EB] file [“funnycatpicture.jpg”](http://th06.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/216/9/8/some_cobra_feets_by_zp92-d59uc44.png)

TG: that ones gonna be the new cover of every album in your itunes

turntechGodhead  [TG] sent ectoBiologist  [EB] file [“ducksinpark.jpg”](http://k38.kn3.net/taringa/6/5/9/1/8/6/6/lestanimerip/23E.jpg?195)

TG: thats gonna be the only thing your tv shows for the next month  
TG: a whirling kaleidoscopically animated vision of true romance thrusting hard on the small screen  
TG: let me know how your dad likes it  
TG: he looks like the kind of guy who might have some tightly buttoned down kinks  
TG: maybe these pics will be the tremulous fingers that finally loosen his sexual collar who knows

EB: are you done? 

TG: give me a minute

turntechGodhead  [TG] sent ectoBiologist  [EB] file [“christmas2008.jpg”](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4pf6jPkr81qkpphbo1_500.jpg)

TG: ok yeah im done  
TG: sup

EB: ok, well maybe it is just the way the breeze is blowing in from the dump outside of town, but i smell a rat, dave.  
EB: i may not be as quick on the keys as the street smart and feisty ms lisbeth salander, and i may not have had a troubled childhood that pushed me to become the most awesome but also icy hearted hacker sweden has ever known,  
EB: but dave, i do know enough about computers to know you are shit at computers! 

TG: excuse me  
TG: which one of us runs his own website  
TG: (handy hint for the handicapable its me) 

EB: excuse me, which one of us asked me to help him code his myspace because the font was not tiny enough for his shitty hipster tastes?  
EB: handy hint, it was you!  
EB: also you cannot take over a tv from my computer.  
EB: that is impossible.  
EB: because science. 

TG: alright you got me  
TG: but dont lie bro  
TG: for a few seconds there you were shitting yourself  
TG: if you wanna take a minute to change up your pants ill understand  
TG: aint no one likes wallowing in their own filth

turntechGodhead  [TG] sent ectoBiologist  [EB] file [“summerhols2007.jpg”](http://rule34-data-000.paheal.net/_images/ffc1428a12476e5f9c4af21183469bc2/69535%20-%20Misty%20Pokemon%20togepi.png)

TG: except togepi

EB: oh man.  
EB: …  
EB: heheheheh

TG: is this your little known masochistic streak emerging  
TG: bleary eyed from lifelong hibernation  
TG: cranking one out as it spots your pranksters gambit getting smashed harder than charlie sheen on a late vegas night  
TG: is it that  
TG: or have i finally destroyed the fragile scraps of neural gauze youve spent the last fourteen years passing off as sentience

EB: it is neither!  
EB: ‘It’s rather like watching a kitten mark its territory for the first time.  
EB: You respect its ambition, and appreciate its stubborn insistence that it, too, is now one of the grown ups,  
EB: Yet, at the same time, the reality of the situation is that this animal is pissing down its leg.  
EB: Anything adorable in its efforts is neutralized by your absolute mortification at his absolute inadequacy.  
EB: Sorry: ‘its’.  
EB: I forgot we were pretending this wasn’t about Dave.’ 

TG: wait did you send those pics to her

EB: and with one simple file transfer, the ball is back in my court!  
EB: (like a tennis ball.)  
EB: (not like a testicle.)  
EB: (no homo, dave!) 

TG: fuck you

EB: that sounds pretty homo to me! ;) 

TG: ok thats it you have escorted me to the limit and shoved me brutally from its edge  
TG: this entire time ive been holding back one final truth grenade i never thought id need to pull the pin on but john  
TG: pester jade  
TG: shes got something for you

EB: huh? 

-

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic  [GG] at 03:50 --

TG: paging dr harley  
TG: we have an emergency in room 6  
TG: come in harley  
TG: harley are you there

GG: hello nurse dave!!  
GG: what is it today?  
GG: another sprained weiner? ;) 

TG: jade no

GG: do you need someone to rub it better??? 

TG: the mists of time have risen up to shroud that day like the brutalized corpse of a car crash victim  
TG: we dont talk about it do we jade  
TG: we barely even remember the details do we jade

GG: the heart always remembers……..  
GG: <3

TG: jesus fuck

GG: lol :P  
GG: what do you want? 

TG: you know that furry shit you sent me the other day

GG: ugh you dont know the first thing about porn do you??  
GG: that was NOT SHIT  
GG: that was the good stuff

TG: yeah keep that attitude up its exactly the kind of material im after  
TG: thing is jade i sent some of it to john and hes had enough kittens since then he could film his own furry orgy with them if he wanted  
TG: and if you know what i mean and im sure that you will  
TG: i think he does want

GG: uhhhhhhhhhhh………..?

TG: when he chokes his chicken metaphorically he wishes it was literal

GG: dave i dont mean to be a jerk but you are making nooo sense! 

TG: ok i didnt want to spell it out because i know how coy the kid gets about his erratically errant erotic urges  
TG: but jade  
TG: he wants more of your freaky porn  
TG: and he wants it now  
TG: ‘uh i guess i kind of like it i guess’  
TG: ‘uh it makes my…….. um, willy feel kind of nice i guess’  
TG: i c/p’ed that from our last log btw  
TG: the boys horny for fauna and youre the only girl knows the itches need scratching

GG: that was a shitty impression!  
GG: you didnt sound like john at all  
GG: hes a lot more straight forward about his dick than you are dave!!! 

TG: sounded enough like him for you to forward some frantically rutting hound dogs to his inbox tho  
TG: am i right

GG: ;) 

TG: awesome

\-- gardenGnostic  [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG] at 03:56 --

-

\-- gardenGnostic  [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist  [EB] at 03:57 --

GG: hey john!!  
GG: dave said you might want to talk to me…….. 

EB: hi! yeah, he said you had something for me? 

GG: yes thats right i do!!! 

EB: is this another of his lametastic pranking efforts?  
EB: man, that guy wouldn’t know a good joke if it smacked him right in the face with a pie just packed full of delicious creamy humor. 

GG: heheheh!  
GG: dont worry i promise i wont tell rose you said that ;)  
GG: anyway ive got some nice stuff for you

gardenGnostic  [GG] sent ectoBiologist  [EB] file “puppylove.jpg” 

EB: oh my GOD!!??  
EB: jade what the fuck! 

gardenGnostic  [GG] sent ectoBiologist  [EB] file “holdyourhorses.avi” 

EB: no no no no D: 

gardenGnostic  [GG] sent ectoBiologist  [EB] file “gettinghisgoat.jpg” 

EB: jade have you ever even seen a goat?? 

GG: not in real life! :) 

EB: ok trust me they are NOT THAT MUSCLY…

gardenGnostic  [GG] sent ectoBiologist  [EB] file “dogeatdog.avi” 

EB: also wolves do not even mate in that position, i have seen it on animal planet! 

gardenGnostic  [GG] sent ectoBiologist  [EB] file “eagerbeaver.jpg” 

EB: augh jade stop it!!  
EB: dave put you up to this, didn’t he. 

GG: a lady never tells……… ;) 

EB: he is a turd.  
EB: he reeks of turds.  
EB: he probably only eats turd, that is why he smells so bad. 

gardenGnostic  [GG] sent ectoBiologist  [EB] file “fromthehorsesmouth.avi” 

GG: that is one i came across the other day  
GG: if youre interested in that sort of thing i mean!! 

EB: thanks, i am so totally going to open that link, because it is probably to gross furry scat porn, and loving gross furry scat porn is so totally what i was talking about just then!  
EB: gosh jade, you really understand me!!!!! 

GG: its just a suggestion :/ 

EB: ok look jade, you know i think you are great when you are not sending me pictures of like  
EB: old men in sweaty raccoon costumes??  
EB: but you are sending me pictures of old men in sweaty raccoon costumes.  
EB: and i cannot handle this.  
EB: please let me know via rose when you are ready to stop behaving like someone who was raised by 4chan and a large dog. 

GG: rude!!!!!! 8| 

EB: you have forced me to this, jade.  
EB: i’m sorry. 

ectoBiologist  [EB] blocked gardenGnostic  [GG] 

-

\-- gardenGnostic  [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG] at 04:19 --

gardenGnostic  [GG] sent turntechGodhead  [TG] file “ectoBiologist-log584.htm” 

GG: heheheh!  
GG: mission……………………….  
GG: ………………..  
GG: ……….  
GG: ……  
GG: (come on dave i am waiting for you!)  
GG: …..  
GG: …  
GG: (dave!!!) 

TG: …..  
TG: …  
TG:..  
TG: accomplished

GG: *high five!!!* 

TG: id call you a sick puppy but youd probably get off on it  
TG: thanks harley

GG: 8) 

\-- gardenGnostic  [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG] at 04:22 --


	4. do you dig dog dick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> an epilogue

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 04:24 --

EB: i think we have both said a lot of things we regret tonight.  
EB: and i think we are both ready to put that behind us, like the mature and reasonable young adults we are.  
EB: just think dave, in the future we might look back on this night and reminisce about how it shaped a lot of the morals we stand by as adults! i know i for one have learnt a great deal about handling disagreements in a measured and sensible fashion, and i am pretty sure you have learnt the same.  
EB: we are exactly like those guys in stand by me, except instead of discovering hidden truths about ourselves after stumbling upon the body of a young boy, we discovered them after  
EB: uh  
EB: well, after seeing a lot of gross porn, i guess. 

TG: you dont dig the dog dick huh

EB: no, oh my god. 

TG: are we doing mutual groveling apologies  
TG: i was gonna riff on that and probably in the process mention begging at your feet but this night has been the long dark snuff flick of my soul and i know now what i never knew  
TG: all body based imagery is gay  
TG: and all emotions are too

EB: haha yeah, pretty much!  
EB: i would not offer you an apology anyway, though.  
EB: because i am not sorry.  
EB: because it was hilarious. 

TG: you think that was hilarious then youve clearly never watched yourself react to the sight of a fat chick in bunny ears grinding on a skunk  
TG: trust me your log was fuckin gold

EB: ugh, whatever.  
EB: can we just agree that tonight never happened? 

TG: hell yes

EB: ok good.  
EB: so what do you say to contacting the dark spirits of the voids beyond? 

TG: i say compared to the cephalodic slop lalondes dishing out it sounds like finest sirloin steak  
TG: and just between you and me johnny boy  
TG: so long as the voids beyond aint got wifi  
TG: i reckon youll be safe from wolf wang too

EB: do you know, that is exactly what i was thinking. 

TG: the psychic communion has already begun  
TG: fuck dark mirrors yo who needs that shit  
TG: the long and supple arms of our broship extend across boundaries not just of state but of consciousness  
TG: we are AS ONE

EB: alright, but we are making this mirror.  
EB: we’re gonna need some water and something to make the water black, and by we i mean you, because if there are going to be any pissed off spirits getting involved i do not want them in my room.  
EB: my room which i just tidied yesterday.  
EB: are you still sure you do not have a scrying bowl? 

TG: do you seriously need a reminder of what happened last time you started on about this 

EB: maybe your bro has one?  
EB: we should ask rose, if he has ever used one in a video then i bet she would know.  
EB: ;) 

TG: ill send you jades deviantart page i swear to god

EB: bluh, fiiine.  
EB: what are we gonna do then? 

TG: we had chinese last night  
TG: do you reckon the spirits are gonna get picky if we just summon them in a rinsed out plastic noodle pot

EB: i reckon the spirits are just gonna have to put up with it. 

TG: two dollar stir fried satan served by a guy in a kiss the cook apron three blocks over  
TG: sweet  
TG: what next

EB: well, it says coloring the water with rich black ink allows the physical eyes to relax, and lets the inner psychic eyes begin to open to receive desired visions or information.  
EB: so…

TG: pretty sure we got soy sauce 

EB: perfect.  
EB: those astral planes wont know what hit em.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have been [skippy](http://www.toomuchpressure.tumblr.com), and this has been 6000 words of fetish porn and shameless innuendo!
> 
> thank you for reading, and i hope that you (unlike me) still find yourself able to look pikachu in the eye, direct and unrepentant, despite the fact you have now seen him nuzzle ash's mpreg zoophile belly

**Author's Note:**

> john has been teaching himself the Mysteries Of The Occult with the help of [the best site on the internet ](http://www.spellsandmagic.com/)


End file.
